The Skinny Legend Desire and the acceptance story of a normal body.
This piece is something I have been meaning to write for a while, a struggle of mine and my biggest pride. It’s my body. It pains me to admit the amounts of breakdowns I have had about my body. And pains me to admit the amount that I can still have before going out at night, going to the beach, or in a change room at shops. This article is a follow on from a post on my Instagram.
I stopped running for a period and lost my muscular definition which I never noticed too much. I started back up and started to feel good. And then 5 weeks ago I was forced to stop again because of injury. This brought a large amount of stress back into my life as I began to step back into old patterns. I began to fall into the trap of an unhealthy mindset.
Something you don’t see much on social media is the daily body battle that almost everyone has. And with the amount of time, I’m spending on the socials now because of lockdown, I would say the exposure to skinny, fit people on my FYP (for you page) has forced me to put a microscope onto my body. I haven’t researched it, (maybe I should have for this article but ah well), but I would assume that the amount of body image issues has gone up in the past decade. We live in a world of comparison. We live in the age of capturing the perfect picture. We live in a constant mind-numbing battle between ourselves and the screen. I mean have you ever taken a second to research into the modelling industry, those men and women starve themselves to get a size 4 body. Yet I still compare because these are our standards.
I wrote a memoir a few years back on the battle I had with my body, but it was one that only myself and my English teacher read. I went to publish it now, three years on, but as it turns out I have deleted it from my laptop when clearing out my high school stuff. So, I took it upon myself to re-write it. This is it..
The hardest part about this battle is being so aware of it. I am fully aware that the battle I have in my own head is something that is just that. In my head. But I have never been able to fully shake it. The problems start with the overall shape, the way it moves, the soft stretch marks, the way it rolls.
One pIECE SWIMSUITS BECAME A KNIGHT IN SHINNING ARMOUR.
I have always had thicker thighs than most, always had a larger chest size and I have always been a taller girl. Three things that no one else would realise I have issues with. But if you look closer, you will notice that I used to hide in my clothes. And sometimes I still do. Over-sized pants and shirts became staples, I wouldn’t even glance at dresses that were tight fitted or skirts that showed my belly. Midriff shirts were something that I could never even think of wearing. Bikinis became a battle, and one-piece swimsuits became a knight in shining armour. They were my armour for a long time. Heels were scary to wear, shorts tended to show too much cellulite, and oh god the chaffing! It’s heartbreaking that I could ruin my mood for days because of the way my body looked in pictures. I never posted my Year 10 formal pictures because I thought I looked fat, and only a select few of my year 12 formal photos I liked. It’s heartbreaking that such memorable nights will just be memories because I can’t stand the photos.
I have always wanted to dress a certain style but never thought my body type suited it. I was simply put, obsessed with the style of Tree of Life, just assumed I could never pull it off. The small, petite women that wore wrap skirts and boho outfits suited them well. And I never dared to wear something so bright and colourful. It would attract too much attention. But f#k, life is boring in skinny jeans, and they just aren’t comfortable.
This year has been one where I have begun to accept my body. I’ve realised that there is beauty in the details and my body has a lot of details. There is a story behind every scar, a story behind my wonky pinkie finger and a story behind each stretch mark. They symbolise growth and strength. Again, it’s all about a mindset. Changing it, reworking it, and constantly rebuilding it. There is no instant fix, this is something I am very aware of. Some days I don’t have a care in the world for how I look, couldn’t care for the opinions of others either. On these days I will wear anything, rock anything. But there are other days where oversized trackies’ and a big jumper suit well. And on those days, I sit in front of the mirror prodding and poking. Sad and sorrowful. I must remind myself of many things, one that I always come back to is reminding myself that I run. And I know I talk about this a bit on my blog. But running is my saving grace. I look at my body and I tell myself; this is the body that runs you 10 kilometres around Albion Park. This is the body that carries your mind, your soul, and your heart. This is your body, and you wouldn’t be able to function without it.
Something I have learnt; what you tell your mind is what your mind will think. Duh, well this lesson took a lot longer to learn. The radiation of positivity towards how I look will always bring a better outcome to the day and the situation. Looking back, I wish I could tell myself that it’s okay to wear a bikini to the beach, or a tight dress out for dinner.
Another thing I’ve learnt quick “15-minute belly burner” YouTube videos never work! And that’s because you can’t lose fat in 15 minutes or grow definition without continuous work. You also can’t change your shape; thick thighs are something I’ll always have, and no YouTube tutorial will change that.
I’m not done learning, and I’m not done fighting this battle. It will need work for a little while still, but this article is proof that I’m winning the battle. If I had one message for my younger self it would be to not care about what others think, wear cool f#king clothes, wear high heels, stop walking with your head down and stop overthinking every detail. Give your poor, beautiful mind a rest. You look beautiful in anything you wear.
A message for my future self: This is proof of your growth, please re-read this in 3,6,8,12 months and add to it. Make a part two, or three or four. Or as many as you need to win the battle.
This article is vague, doesn’t go into to much detail, but enough to start the healing process. Writing is This article is vague, doesn’t go into too much detail, but enough to start the healing process. Writing is my sanctuary. I write letters, poems, short stories, memoirs, opinion pieces and argumentative pieces to move on and move forward. This is the start of me moving forward with myself, accepting myself and beginning my life without being held back by the unhealthy mindset that was hidden in the dark for so long.
I don’t know when I will publish this, one day I hope to. But it was written on the 5th of September 2021, edited again on the 28th of September. When you read this, check the date, and you’ll see how long it took for me to finally publish and let you into my struggles with myself. Self-love is the most beautiful thing in the world, I hope to accomplish it and I know I will.
I envision a world where my kids don’t have to question how they look, for me, it started in Year 5/6 when my thighs began to grow, and my boobs began to form. But change won’t come unless we start it. This is my start. I’m being brave by posting my story to hopefully one day create an accepting society. One that advertises to all people. I can say that for the most part, I’m comfortable with my body. It’s only up from here! #normalisnormal #changestartswithyou
You can find a related post below;
the Body Battle, By Hailee Pickering.
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